Me, Myself and I

2011-06-04T03:12:00.004+08:00

hello world. it's 3am in the morning, and i'm in the bus on the way home. it's a perfect night to emo, to excogitate, and to really think what i want.

it's going to be a year before i officially move on to the working society. we urban people seem to have this thinking: we want to earn as much money as possible, settle down and have a family, houses etc. people spoke to me about their dreams, materalistic ones of course. they believe they want to start work as soon as possible, and be extremely career minded.

why am i not one of those who has such thinkings? i believe that one should do the things he likes because sometimes by the time you reach 50, illnesses associated with ageing will find you, and you no longer have the energy to do the things you want. what's the point of earning so much money, only to spend on the medicine on our illnesses in later years.

is this a cycle that everyone has to go through? i would rather spend my time backpacking and understand the culture of people around the world. i want to lead an enriching life, not a luxurious one.

i read about an article regarding the top five regrets from peoples' deathbeds, and among them was actually regretting spending too much time at work and neglected their childrens' youth.

isn't it a very sad thing?

it's just some random food for thought..

Defensive.

2011-05-13T01:49:00.000+08:00

Soon, it's going to be a year, the rite of passage which every Singaporean man has to go through. Reflecting back, I missed my section, with the hardship that we endured for months. I've met some amazing people and I'm thankful for that.

The training changed my physique drastically, and I've always thought of the times we helped each other with the physical training, and the shit we suffered.

Now that I'm in a different place, I no longer endure such trainings anymore. I don't have a buddy. I no longer know what's brotherhood. Camaraderie? Teamwork? These words are not in my dictionary for this phase of my life.

What I've learnt, is the brutal way of life: escaping responsibilities, shooting "arrows", superiority etc. I've become selfish.

I used to be altruistic, but what I realise is that people trample on you when they see your kindness. I used to help people, but all I got was scoldings and lectures from the other party who didn't get their facts right when it isn't my fault at all.

I became angry angsty, and got irritated easily. I begin to adopt a defensive personality which carries on to this day. I want to be true to myself, but sometimes, you learn the hard way and you have to adapt to circumstances.

Fuck this, how I wish it's next year, because I'm tired of everyone here.

2011-05-02T21:32:00.001+08:00

i will continue to love you, but perhaps it's really time to move on, and a bit of me still clings on. i love you sok pheap.

2011-04-10T00:30:00.002+08:00

Hey. (Not really in an excited tone.)

I like to pen down thoughts in this hour, it feels great. You know, recently I've known that one of my friends write about his experiences everyday in a journal without fail. I was kinda surprised that people still do that, and he reasoned that each entry he makes in his journal, he would read it some other day, because he might interpret it differently.

For example, if I'm angry and I pen down my thoughts, it will be a different kind of feeling when I read it some other days later, when I'll probably be in a different mood.

I thought it was a pretty good idea, though I might do it too. Perhaps blog is enough? :)

Oh yes, I went to India for 3 weeks some time ago. It was actually a cultural shock. But the impact was there. Too bad I was there not as a tourist, but I would love to visit India again. It's really amazing.

You know, it's been a terrible week for me. Someone whom I thought I was right to trust, I guess I was wrong all along. But perhaps there shouldn't be blame at all.

Maybe it's just a vicious cycle.

I'm still feeling a bit lost every now and then, but I hope I'm getting there. I guess I need a nudge in the right direction.

Did I mention about this dream I had yesterday? I dreamt that I died, on the battlefield. I proned down when I saw 2 tanks firing at me. I manage to dodge few of its attacks but I still die. I saw this bright white light, and then.. I woke up.

I went to check on the internet, and this is what it said about someone dreaming about ownself dying:

"To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life."

Ah, perhaps that's why..

The thoughts are stuck in the clouds.

2011-02-27T02:32:00.003+08:00

I can see cobwebs on my webpage, and little specks of dust here and there. Hmmm, I guess it's time again to visit this old avenue of mine. I know I don't frequently update, but that's because I bottle things up sometimes, and put up ambiguous statuses in Facebook at times..

I wonder what brings me to my blog again, it's like you want to visit a place without a reason. And here I am I guess, listening to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri, and I Look To You by Whitney Houston while typing..

Emo with much reflection on myself I guess.

Some random thoughts......:

One thing I've realise as a Scorpio is that you will always know what you're good at, which is a negative thing if you ask me. I find that when you know that you're good, you no longer work as hard to find out more as you once did, because you know you are damn good. Humility goes a long way, and I have so much to learn from it.

Recently, I've noticed that I've changed because of my environment. Someone who seems to be more bashing verbally and outspoken. I've learned to survive in my environment since 8 months, scolding people if I deem necessary, so that I won't be a victim of bullying. I've become more vulgar, both physically and verbally.

Sometimes, it's like I'm no longer myself. It sorta gets into an identity crisis, because I think it's not me. But on the other hand, I feel that I get shortchanged, and that I put myself in a disadvantage.

Did I mention that I've been having some deep thoughts lately? The desire to ORD, thinking that I have some big plans to earn big money and such. I've been to some gatherings, and I bumped into my little cousins, and I suddenly had this urge to want to earn lots of money to provide tuition and stuff for them, to see them grow into young and promising adults. I think it's partly because I appreciated what my aunts provided for me when I was young and wanted to do things in return, not that I turned out to be a useful guy..

There's this super strong part of me, intending to go backpacking around the world, preferably Europe.. It's just that I have this curiosity that I want to discover the world. People whose lives I've never imagined, cultures that I'm intrigued, and communicating with foreign languages which seems like a challenge.

Going to Cambodia 2-3 years ago left a big etch on my mind (and a girlfriend of course!), and it serves as a reminder for me how lucky I am to be born in Singapore. Moreover, I think I'll be deeply appreciative of these experience and be able to cultivate myself into a better person. It's like the world is waiting for me.

Speaking of which, I seem to be falling into the trap of thinking I'm super knowledgeable, and having a bit of intolerance of people who's different from me, and of course, the failure to understand the importance of prudency. That's very bad, and I'm trying to change. I'm only 21 and I've only completed like 1/4 of my life!!

I'm still a serious person as ever, and I think the FAT old self is being a ghost of me. I'm not trying to sound sensitive, but it does gets a bit irritating when you have friends who keep teasing you about how fat you're becoming since you lost so much weight and stuff. I know I've gained like 2 kg, but trying my best to maintain is getting a toll of my mind, because I kept asking some friends if I looked fat, but they just told me no.

I'm no mind-reader nor a psychologist, but I guess some people just cannot accept change, heck I even had a relative telling me "I can't wait to see you grow back to your usual self!" It's amazing, when you see people show their true colours.

Time has made me lose some friends, and some, no longer close before. You could really see the differences, and it becomes extremely evident.

Oh damn, it's like 3.30am, a timing which I'm rarely awake. and I think I've been blabbering a lot of nonsense. My brain is not functioning properly already and I shall end here. Sorry for the abrupt end, cos I'm too tired!

Just one last quote to share and something which I've been sticking by:

Honesty is the best policy.

Goodnight blog, till then.

The last post of 2010.

2010-12-31T02:41:00.002+08:00

Hello blog. You know, ever since I enrolled into National Service, I've not been faithful in blogging out. Nobody's probably gonna read this, so I guess it's like having a conversation with someone.

Ever since my last post, things have gotten better and I cannot be more thankful than that. One habit that I've developed is going to town during weekends, and spend like nobody's business. Frugality? I've never thought of that.

After all, my leisure time is only during the weekends, and all I thought of was actually to eat and play, eat and play, and eat and play. I asked myself: Am I going to do this for the next 2 years?

No. And hence after much consideration, I've taken one of my lesser-favoured hobbies to a whole new level.

Buying a DSLR for Photography.

That made me real broke, but I decided to build up a personal portfolio, so that it'll be easier for me to find jobs outside after my service. I'll focus into photojournalism on occasional weekends.

Ah, did I mention that I've kinda lost touch with blogging and writing? I'm getting back the feel of blogging once again it seems.

Did I mentioned that I've lost 14kg during the past few months? Life's got better and I've gained back 2 kg, but I'm pretty much determined to maintain this weight of mine. I've been exercising some self-discipline, by running 8 km every few days.

I've been fat my whole life, and I don't want to get to that point again. It's really tough, especially given my personal preferences and choices, but I believe I'll prevail.

On the other hand, this year has been a good year in terms of health wise, and I'm glad my family and relatives are doing just fine. I'm also glad to have met some amazing people who guided me throughout my new journey. Even when I go jogging alone, I would think of the times where we ran together as a group, and how people encouraged and spurred me on. I'm really thankful for the memories, and thank you guys for being there.

Did I mention that I became more independent? In the past, I seemed to go out only if I had a friend's company. But now, I will still go out alone if there's no one to accompany me. A lot of people interpret this as being emo or assume I've got no friends or whatsoever. But weekends are my only leisure time, and sometimes, things just need to be done, even if I'm alone.

I've became more mature and braver, and I guess I've grown stronger, personality-wise.

It's the end of 2010, and I guess it went by in a flash. I've learnt that even if we're leading mundane lives, we can still make a difference in our everyday lives by making someone smile or making a positive impact in someone's life, even for a day, and with that I hope that in 2011, I can apply the same thing to the mundane life which I assume I'll be having.

And with that, I wish you a Happy New Year, with many blessings!

*2010 has been a year of significant birthdays personally: My 21st birthday, and my Mom's 50th birthday!

Wish it was just a dream.

2010-10-09T01:29:00.002+08:00

I just feel that I should just visit this old avenue of mine, because the future still holds a lot of uncertainties for me, and I just feel like typing at this point of time. And for now, I'm scared.

These 4 months of training has indeed made me a stronger person, and I've lost tremendous amount of weight, and being tougher mentally.

But it seems that God wants to prepare me for a path that's tougher than I can imagine. I'm in a state of mixed feelings, and I'm not prepared at all.

It's all my fault I guess. Always hoping for the best, and yet when I fall, the disappointment sinks in. Friends around me seems to get the best deal, and I should be looking it in a different light, a different perspective.

I'm trying to be happy, I really am. But my personality makes me otherwise, and right now I need guidance, and motivation. Something that I can look forward to.

Things which can never be deciphered.

2010-08-14T23:31:00.003+08:00

Life's been getting depressing as time passes, and I'm trying to stay positive.

I've been getting quieter and just keep to myself, except at times when I manage to let out a weak smile.

I went to the temple to seek some advice, and the interpretation was:

For the present moment, there will be some difficulties, be patient and wait a while.

I will try to heed this advice, and I'm trying to believe. Really. Sometimes, I hate myself that I'm so mentally weak, and physically weak as well.

Guide me through all of these, please.

I've learn how to treasure.

2010-08-01T14:04:00.002+08:00

It's been 2 months, and I'm still not used to this whole thing.

One thing that I've learnt since the past 8 weeks is that I've learned to treasure my parents, and relatives and my brother, not to mention friends as well. All these things, including my home which I've been taking it for granted for so many years.

I get depressed real easily, and trying to listen and singing songs to lift up my moods, and not mention that I've injured my back for the past one week and it hasn't recover for already 1 month.

I'll try my best to blog every weekend. I really don't know what's in store for me for the future.

Sanity.

2010-06-26T11:49:00.001+08:00

Been a tumultuous period for me as I try to adjust, but let's just say that currently I'm coping fine.

I'll be strong, and I'll carry on.

National Service.

2010-06-04T22:39:00.002+08:00

As you are reading this, I'm probably packing away to Pulau Tekong, for my National Service.

Fast forward after my graduation from Nanyang Polytechnic, and now Singapore called upon my service to serve the nation.

Just now I was at the temple praying for my safety, wellness and such, and I bumped into Howard, who was my favourite columnist and a role model, because I respect him so much. I suddenly realise that I have so much things I wanna achieve in life.

I called both my maternal and paternal grandparents to ask them to take good care of their health and eat well. My maternal grandmother, upon hearing the news that I was enlisting tomorrow, suddenly cried.

It suddenly struck me that being the eldest son in the family line, I am also the first to be enlisted in the army. I was also grateful and am thankful for all the well-wishes that my friends and family gave, and I feel truly blessed. I love every single one of you.

I have been telling myself that this will be a slimming centre, and that they are paying me to slim down, although 2 years is a long time.

I know that this 2 years of journey which I will embark on will change my thinking and life. And I won't be returning to Singapore for the next 2 weeks.

So as I embark on this 2-year journey, I thank you for all the support that you have given for this blog and your compliments for the past 5 years. This blog will not be closed, and like I said before: As long as I'm alive, I will continue to blog. (Maybe this time only the weekends)

I miss each and every one of you.

And I shall end this note with my shaved head, in comparison to a basketball:

Goodbye all.

I hate late nights.

2010-05-24T01:17:00.002+08:00

So many stuff have happened, shall blog them soon.

Just wanna say that I hate late nights, cos they will make me get emotional when I listen to love songs.

I'll leave for a better place.

An unexpected opportunity.

2010-05-10T23:36:00.004+08:00

Pardon my week-long absence, as it has been a rather busy week for me. I've finally taken a break for the next few weeks before my enlistment, and will be working a few days every now and then.

After this whole experience at a particular departmental store, I believe I'm not used to working in such an environment, especially when it's inevitable to be part of the politics between brands, with promoters quarreling every single now and then. I must say that my fellow promoters treat me very well.

Most importantly, I had one of the best customer experiences with people, and that it will etch a memory in me forever. One of the customers and his mum offered to shake my hand because he was thankful and grateful for what I've done for him and I was extremely happy.

But there was this particular customer which I must mention. I remembered vividly that he came to buy bedsheets, and he wanted to buy a few sets. He had trouble finding suitable colours, so I asked him about his wall and tile colours, and further on asking what kind of look and feel he wants for his room.

I gave him my opinion based on my visualisation, and helped him to match. He was quite indecisive because he was quite unsure about his mattress size and such, and he ended up buying a set. He was thankful and apologise to me for taking so much of my time. He then further asked for a namecard or any contact number that I could give, so that he can further request for me when he comes down to the departmental store.

I ended up giving him my personal namecard which states that I'm a graphic designer.

Few days later, I received a call from OWELL Bodycare, and the caller knew that I was working as a bedlinen promoter and that my service was extremely good. She also knew I studied design, and further on asked: Are you interested in being a Visual Merchandiser?

She said that I will be in-charge of some operational stuff and be in-charge of their displays and such. She hopes to be in contact with me, and said that she is willing to wait until I finish my National Service before hiring me. Of course, I need to work as a part-timer to understand the nature of their products and such.

I was in a state of shock, and I was overwhelmed.

I mean, seriously?!

What are the chances of a customer helping to refer you to do other jobs?

I know that there's no way that this customer will see this, but I just wanna say this:

Thank you sir, for appreciating the stuff that I've done and believing in me. And you gave me this opportunity to work with your contacts. Words can never describe how grateful and thankful I am to you, but I'm really overwhelmed with your kindness. I hope that one day if I ever see you again, I would like to take the chance to shake your hand in gratefulness. Thank you very much!!

I hate my personality.

2010-05-03T11:50:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, I had a fellow colleague who shouted and pointing at me using his index finger at me in the sales floor right in front of fellow promoters and customers.

Come to think of it, it wasn't totally my fault, but I decided to apologise and give in because I didn't want a quarrel. But this guy kept shouting at my female colleague, asking her to quarrel after finishing work, to see who wins or whatsoever.

I was in a state of shock. In my years as a promoter, I never get shouted by any departmental store managers or supervisors, and I got shouted by another brand's promoter, accusing me of: don't you know the law here?

I somehow felt scared I must say.

After this incident, I hated myself. People say that I'm someone who's too nice, and too soft-hearted. That probably resulted in me being bullied by friends, and always attempting to retreat during a quarrel.

I mean, I have my own temper, and it's just that I haven't flare up my real temper to most people.

I know most people will probably retaliate given my position but for me I just chicken out.

I hate myself. Why am I like that?

Sorry.

2010-04-29T23:01:00.003+08:00

I know, I haven't been blogging much, and it's kinda boring nowadays.

It's just that I haven't been able to blog out my thoughts well. And I'm just stressed out.

Thank you to those who stayed and supported. :)

5th June.

2010-04-24T23:59:00.002+08:00

Enlisting in 5th June..

Nation called, and it's time to serve my National Service for the country. Everything is happening so fast, so hectic.

I believe this will be a major turning point for me in my life with a strong impact, although I don't know the direction of it. Let's hope everything turns out well.

Another phase, and I must be strong enough to face it. Talk about having trimmed hair close to skinhead is something which I never had.

Gotta spend time meeting up with friends, colleagues and acquaintances soon. I'm still deciding when to end work. Damn..

Enlistment date..

2010-04-21T00:50:00.000+08:00

Knowing one's enlistment date is like taking back 'O' levels results.

So freaking anxious and somehow scary.

Some of my friends already got their enlistment dates.

I wonder when's mine?!

One of them. One of us.

2010-04-18T10:30:00.004+08:00

"The rain is falling.
Defeat is calling.
I need you to set me free."

Working in a place where competition is nigh high, and sales-driven promoters quarrel over the slightest things, this is the worst that I've ever seen in my 4-5 years working as a promoter.

Vultures, crocodiles and lions roam the sales floor, with politics everywhere.

I've been trying to adapt to this place, which is a different ball game from anywhere else. And so far, I haven't been in a quarrel with any of them because I chose not to retaliate.

I mean, why would people come to work and cut each other sales and start quarreling? Shouldn't it be a happy place to work at? Competition should be healthy and encouraged but it wasn't meant to be.

It is up to this point where I feel I'm not cut to be a promoter. I'm not very aggressive. I'm not ruthless, and I'm not dangerous, and I seldom cut sales in order to maintain a good relationship with my colleagues. This is not me, and I believe no matter what, the customer should be in the welfare of getting what he needs, regardless of the brand.

But in the jungle, sheeps like me are meant to be eaten by other predators. In life it's always the same case. I'm usually the one being bullied and name-called.

Perhaps people haven't seen the side when I'm angry. Perhaps people haven't seen a raging sheep. Perhaps it's a blessing in disguise to train my personality.

Soon, I will become one of them. One of us..

Affected.

2010-04-16T00:20:00.002+08:00

Just a few hours ago, I've heard of this volcanic ash that's affecting major airports in Europe.

Here's an exerpt of the article:

A huge cloud of ash from the second major eruption in Iceland in less than a month blew eastwards across the Atlantic, closing major airports more than 1,000 miles (1,700 kilometres) away.

Britain closed its airspace to all flights. Nearly every airport in Norway, Denmark and across northern Sweden also shut down, authorities announced. There was major disruption in Belgium, France, Finland, Germany and the Netherlands.

More than 300 flights out of London's Heathrow and Gatwick airports and others in Britain were cancelled, including transatlantic services.

Never did I expect my overseas order would be affected too! Talk about being unlucky or what:

"Due to volcanic ash from an eruption in Iceland moving over Northern Europe, including the UK, all flights leaving the UK today (15/04/2010) have been cancelled. This has delayed your delivery and we kindly ask that you allow a further 1 working day to receive your order. We will contact you as and when further updates are received.Many thanks for your patience at this time."

Hanging by a thread.

2010-04-15T23:50:00.002+08:00

I'm trying my best to hang on, and grit on my teeth.

I miss school, and I miss everyone.

Travel!

2010-04-11T22:47:00.002+08:00

I can only look upon, as some of my friends went travelling recently..

Rebecca went to Perth to visit her best friend.

Daphne, Koon Xian and the gang is probably going Bangkok in June..

And more notably, CHERYL WENT TO EUROPE!!!!! She saw Effiel Tower, Stonehenge and Colosseum, and judging from her pictures it looks fantastic!!

I sometimes hate the fact that I'm different from some/most of my secondary school friends. They would rather travel to Taiwan, Thailand, Korea (probably influenced by K-Pop) or some random neighbouring countries!!

That's so unlike me. I rather explore western countries because I'm so interested in them. It's like being a frog in the well: You haven't seen the world.

Perhaps I should just go by myself.. and be a lone backpacker and see the world!!

Love.

2010-04-07T01:21:00.002+08:00

"I hear them say
Love is the way
Love is the answer
that's what they say"

One of the devastating things that can happen to you is when you know that one of your relative's days are numbered.

And all the feelings like: why didn't I treat my relative better, or show some love etc.

Why do we always regret when someone's gone?

I've been trying to escape from reality by putting on my earpieces, bringing me to the world of music.

It felt wonderful, but at the same time it felt painful. It was as if something pierced through my heart.

Why?

2010-04-05T23:52:00.002+08:00

The reality suddenly hits me with a hard knock in the head.

I will treasure every single person around me.

If it's a psychological thing, I will make sure I will not think about it this way.

So many issues to address, and I need the willpower.

God, please lead me and give me the strength and direction that I need.

Being a promoter and such.

2010-04-01T00:37:00.002+08:00

After my last semester ended, I have been working as a promoter again, well, since the past 5 years. You see unlike me, my friends have been switching jobs here and there to strive for better pay, and different work experiences.

For me, I somehow like to stay in my comfort zone. I mean, my colleagues are good, the environment is good, the pay is considered not bad, why not? Unlike my friends who seek work experiences, I seek life experiences.

It gets boring a little every now and then, but I must say that being a promoter at town is a good experience for me.

As I sell high-end bedlinen, I encounter a lot of tourists, and we always strike a conversation every single time. Like how they love Singapore's weather, and what food they love in Singapore.

I'm too stupid to differentiate people (especially caucasians) from which country, and I always like to ask them.

I remembered there was this particular conversation which I had with this South African guy with 2 kids. The more we talked, the more I learnt about his country, and by the end of the conversation, he offered me a place to stay at his house, should I ever backpacked to his country.

I think its freaking awesome, because I've never really seen much of the world, and learning things and understanding their point of view, their culture and their views about stuff just makes me feel so excited.

And that's what I love about my vacation job.

I've been transferred to another departmental store, and I hope I'll adjust to its hostile surroundings easily. Wish me well!

If everyone cared..

2010-03-28T12:47:00.003+08:00

Yesterday as I was on my way home with a few friends on the MRT, a blind man alighted together with us at the Dhoby Ghaut station, and started asking who could help him to get to the platform to Punggol.

Nobody responded to him, except for my friend to offered to bring him there.

It was really difficult, because he had to use a walking stick and he needed to "feel" the floor and his surroundings.

After this incident, I feel that I should be contented with myself, and be happy. Guess life is never fair, but we have to make full use of it.

Nickelback's If Everyone Cared is one video you have to watch, because it brings out an extremely strong message:

Are you my halo?

2010-03-27T00:02:00.005+08:00

I'm a guy who actually has crushes easily, and I hate that. But when I find my true love, I'm gonna sing Halo by Beyonce to propose to her.

My perfect scenario would be something like this:

My girlfriend and I sits at the Esplanade Outdoor Theatre, as part of the audience. Then, I would say something like: I'm going to get a drink for you.

At the stage is my band, filled with 3 backup singers. Then, the music starts, and I'll sing Halo to her.

There'll be a spotlight, probably tungsten yellow lighting to shine at her, indicating that she's my halo.

"Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby I can see your halo

You know you're my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away"

And I'll say:

Baby, you're my halo.

You're the one that I'll follow.

The one that makes me see tomorrow.

Cheesy or not? I came up with it! Then, she'll broke down to tears and accept my proposal!!

Previously, the song that I thought I wanted to sing was Touch My Hand by David Archuleta. It's a good song too!

PS: Just in case you haven't heard of this song, here's a link:

Nobody understands how I feel.

2010-03-23T23:02:00.003+08:00

Last year during December, I wrote about this post:

http://jameslancer.blogspot.com/2009/12/could-this-be-my-break.html

It talks about my goals as I approach the end of the final semester, before I finally graduate.

I promised myself, that I'm going to strive to work hard from the early semester, and my goal? To get into the Director's List.

Fast forward till today, when I got my results:

Project 5 (Final Project) = B+
Communication Skills = A
Design Seminars= P (Pass)

There was no Director's List, and to be real honest, I was expecting an A.

I had people telling me how impossible it is to do a magazine, but I did it.

I had people coming up to tell me how fantastic Scubazine is, and I had lecturers telling me how good it was.

I had people telling me that Scubazine doesn't lose out to those Scuba Diving magazines out there.

Some lecturers told me it was ambitious to do 72 pages of a magazine. But I managed to do it.

I had lecturers telling me I should be proud of my work after my presentation.

I had lecturers telling me my presentation stood out from the rest.

Some strict lecturers even told me that I did well, lecturers which I never expect them to said something like that.

WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED IN THE END THEN?

You know, ever since my attachment woes, I PROMISED MYSELF THAT I WILL DO MY VERY BEST, AND THAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE IT NO MATTER WHAT, TO PROVE TO PEOPLE AS WELL AS TO MYSELF THAT I COULD DO DESIGN.

All those compliments and remarks, IT MADE ME BELIEVED THAT I REALLY MADE MY MARK.

But no, all I get is FULL DISAPPOINTMENT simply because I raised my bar level too high.

I KNOW MY DRAWING SUCKS. I KNOW MY PAINTING IS TERRIBLE. AND ALL THESE WHILE IN YEAR ONE, I STRUGGLED. AND I GOT A TERRIBLE GPA OF 2.

BUT WHY IS IT THAT HARD WORK DOESN'T SEEMS TO PAY OFF? I WORKED HARD SINCE YEAR 2, BUT IT NEVER HELPED.

JUST WHEN I THOUGHT THIS WAS MY BREAK, IT NEVER WAS.

Maybe I wasn't cut to do design. I shouldn't have put in so much effort, because what I exchanged was were disappointment that is currently overwhelming for me to handle.

I'm still in a state choked full of emotions, and I'm a broken man with damaged confidence.

WHERE THE FUCK HAVE I DONE WRONG TO DESERVE ALL OF THESE?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's your definiton of success?

2010-03-22T02:23:00.002+08:00

As I slowly approach the age of 21, I'm surrounded by people with aspiring dreams, and definitely people who dream of becoming successful.

Most urban people dream of the typical 5Cs - Cash, Card, Condo, Country Club Membership, and Car. Even people I meet, they always tell me their dreams are to earn like $10,000 or $20,000 per month. Money seems to be the main priority, and that's their way of being successful.

Not for me I guess.

Personally, I do not harbour thoughts of all the 5Cs. All I want is to get a job that will never fail to surprise/excite me, and combined with passion and qualities. The pay? I'm aiming for like $5/$6k, unless I'm a businessman myself.

Also, I want to start a family at the age of 29, and find a wonderful wife that I will stay truly devoted to. Ahh, unconditional love..

And people, that's my definition of success. I think it's rather simple, but definitely not over-ambitious.

What's yours?

Cyanide, Cyan Hide.

2010-03-21T17:36:00.003+08:00

It's a photo manipulation for a change. And somehow, I feel it represents me.

My world is devoid of colours, except cyan and black.

Black for being mysterious, and cyan, well, for its coolness and calmness. I guess it's a hint of mystery and excitement overall.

I've been listening to a lot of acoustic songs recently, and it helped in the distractions that I've been recently facing. Raining cats and dogs sure helped in the mood, and I couldn't ask for more.

Out of a sudden, I missed Sok Pheap. That gracious smile.

Now, nothing could change what you mean to me.
There's a lot that I could say
But just hold me now,
Cause our love will light the way.

If you're working for MLM, you're probably gullible.

2010-03-19T12:28:00.003+08:00

Whoa, what a statement. I've been recently approached by an acquaintance, who told me that his friend is opening a shop at Marina Square selling diamonds, and insist I come down to take a look and probably to help him out.

After reaching there, I realise it was all too familiar. Multi-Level-Marketing (MLM), otherwise known as network marketing, referral marketing or pyramid-selling.

I could still remember my first encounter with a MLM company, called the Sunshine Empire, whereby you would be able to see lavish decorations, filled with opulence and decadence in the company.

People as young as 19 years old were wearing suits, and looking smart, with titles given to them as mangers and directors. HECK, some of them even had their own offices.

The person who tried persuading me to buy their products were extremely persistent, but definitely annoying. I was required to pay an amount of $500, which I was promised to earn a lot of money, like $5k per month.

I rejected him ultimately of course.

This time round, I was fooled into going into this MLM company again, and allow me to break down the things he tried enticing me. (WITH MUCH SKEPTICISM)

1. Brought me to this office, showing me his products and that their opening a shop in Marina Square. (Ok, still sounds alright.)

2. Had this lesson attended by 4 people. I nearly fell asleep. The guy was telling about how good the products are, and how it is endorsed by many celebrities.
(Listen, celebrities endorse products for money, and they do not necessarily have to try the products. But I must say that it's a good attempt to show your credibility to some unknowing customers.)

3. Had this publishing claim, which I forgotten what it means, but he said that no other companies would dare to make a claim like that.
(If you dare to make that claim, why would it be so difficult to read? It was like 4 pt size? If that claim was that good, why didn't you make that a selling point and blow it up big?!)

4. Show us lots and lots of newspaper articles and such.
(Newspaper articles show a lot of actual information and promote credibility, but one thing that people tend to forget is that.. THE DATE OF PUBLISHING. Have it ever occurred to you that these articles are dated years back or decades ago, in which the information might not be relevant or accurate now?

5. You can earn 8-9k, $12-$15k a month, and get titles like: Regional Director etc.
My bullshit detector starts working, and one thing that you need to take note is the word: CAN.
You CAN earn such money, but doesn't mean you WILL. Having said that, I do believe a handful or maybe 2 or 3 earns such figures a month, but what about the rest?

They keep insisting that they earn like $9k or $12k, but where's the proof? I don't see you showing me your pay cheque, or neither do you wear shirts from Raoul, A|X, Gucci or whatsoever? It doesn't seem logical that if you earn a 5-figure amount, you would buy clothes from G2000 or CK Departmental Store?

And the titles: Directors, Managers, whatsoever. You can self-proclaim to these titles, but whether people does believe you is another different question.

6. In order to earn like them, first you have to spend like them.
You need to spend 5K on their products, and re-sell them to your friends and relatives, so that within a few months, you can earn like them.

In other words, it's actually: potential exploitation of personal relationships which are used as new sales and recruiting targets.

I could seriously go on and on, but I'll just stop here. Hope this provides you an insight of how they work, and DO NOT BE ENTICED BY THE EXAGGERATION OF THE RICHES!

What is wrong with me?

2010-03-16T00:01:00.002+08:00

As of now, I'm suffering some sort of a mood swing. I'm suddenly feeling so emotional and sad, do allow me to blabber and just treat it as nonsensical talk.

I looked at myself in the mirror, and I realise that some wounds can never be healed. I simply cannot let any single one touch my face. I can't imagine if my girlfriend squeezes me on my cheeks, because I'll feel terrified as I feel it's dirty.

I know I'm being insecure deep inside my heart, but I just cannot help it. I've been trying to change my sense of dressing with some success, and that's because I've been trying to look for love. One of my lecturers say people at my age gets real emotional and faces identity crisis. Guess that's true.

Sometimes I feel I don't belong to this world that I live in, and I feel so pressurized and breathless because of the suffocation of the boundaries that I face.

I'm eccentric, weird and anything that you can call me.
Guess I need to be alone for a while.

Speechless.

2010-03-15T23:50:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, it's not because I'm speechless.
Nor am I in a loss for words.

It's because some things are better left unsaid.

UNIT 10 GRADUATION SHOW.

2010-03-11T11:03:00.002+08:00

Hi guys, should you be free between today to this Saturday, do come down and support my graduation show!

It's at Nanyang Polytechnic's Auditorium!

Do come down! Thanks!!

My grandfather is a hero.

2010-03-08T23:33:00.003+08:00

Sometimes I feel like faltering when I bump into an obstacle, or when I get emotional at times. It's sad to say that I'm mentally weak.

That's a stark contrast compared to my maternal grandfather, who's been through so much hardship. I went to visit him at Singapore General Hospital (SGH) today, and he was admitted into the hospital because he had testicle cancer. Tumours were detected on his testicles and his testicles had to be removed.

I'm shocked. When a man loses his testicles, that's equivalent to a woman losing her breasts. It's a major sacrifice, because it's do or die. And I salute him for that.

I'm also proud to say that he survived colon cancer as well.

I feel so ashamed of myself, and I promise that I will live meaningfully and be happy every day.

Grandpa, you're my hero! :)

NAPFA Test

2010-03-04T01:38:00.002+08:00

Did my NAPFA test, (a fitness test that is compulsory for every male Singapore citizen)
and I was pretty happy with the result. I'm not someone who excels in sports excellence and I'm satisfied that I could pass my Sit & Reach, Sit Up and Shuttle Run.

I'm already getting prepared to be trained and enlist one month earlier.

Those muscles aches are coming, and I can almost feel it.

Wonderful Night..

2010-03-01T21:47:00.002+08:00

I was invited by my company for its D&D (Dinner & Dance) dinner at Kbox E hub! at Downtown East. It was great to see some of the familiar colleagues at the party.

That night was awesome, because I won a set of canned abalone, sharks fin and another weird-looking stuff.

On that night itself, the company organised a singing competition, and I belted out Kelvin Tan's I Love You, and guess what? I won the competition! It was the first time that I won prizes for my singing!

The feeling was damn good I tell you!

Digressing a bit, a lot of events have happened recently, and I didn't think that was too much of a coincidence. God, do you really have things in plan for me?

We Are The World.

2010-02-27T02:50:00.003+08:00

As of now, there's still widespread coverage of the earthquake in Haiti. In case you didn't know, the 7.0 magnitude earthquake was the strongest for the past 200 years.

In America, a group of artists come together to sing Michael Jackson's We Are The World. Fantastic voices across all genres, this is definitely a must-see!

Yuji Kimura - Margins and Memories.

2010-02-23T23:28:00.005+08:00

I decided to take a day off from friends and family, and came to town and botanical gardens, in order to do some soul-searching and straighten out some thoughts. At the same time, I visited Japan Creative Centre, which is currently holding an exhibition of Yuji Kimura's editorial designs.

I lost my way there, and I went into the residences of Nassim Road, where some of the rich and wealthy live. Middle-class people like me can only watch in awe.

Back to the topic, here are images that I took at the exhibition, so do enjoy!

I must say that his works are extremely experimental, and some are good and interesting!

A fresh beginning..

2010-02-20T23:19:00.003+08:00

A new 2010, a Happy Lunar New Year (though it's still February), and a new blog template!!

It's been like 2 years since I've changed, and this template would not be possible without the help of my brother and Jun Ping!

The buttons are not working yet, as I need to prepare them, but at least the skeleton of the blog is done, with many small adjustment to fonts and its variations every now and then.

Now that I'm free, I'll start to blog!!

*Any suggestions/comments are appreciated!* Just write them in the tagboard!

I'M STILL ALIVE.

2010-02-05T23:45:00.002+08:00

Yes people, I know I haven't been blogging for a month or so, and surprisingly I still have a number of readers who keep checking back frequently. Thank you very much.

I've been really busy with schoolwork. Just give me 1 more week, and I promise I'll update frequently. There are simply too many things that happened within the one month, and as I'm typing, Year 2010 has been a rollercoaster ride so far.

I'm still on that ride, and I think the ride is about to end, soon. Real soon.

With that, do check back for updates!

Oh my, no longer will it be 2009!

2009-12-30T23:36:00.005+08:00

In a blink of an eye, 2009 will be over, and it'll be 2010, a decade since the millennium. People always find it fast that time really flies year after year, but somehow we find time hard to pass in just a day.

Looking back to the things that I've done for this year, it was rather stagnant, with a few major events that happened.

Here are the few things that happened this year without chronological order:

PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER

My beloved grandmother fell sick this year due to a tumour, and she got every single one of us shocked because she was always so healthy. She was diagnosed with cancer, but thankfully the cancerous tumour was removed, and now she's going for chemotherapy weekly. Nai Nai, I love you and you must be strong okay!

FIRST TIME PARTICIPATING IN A SINGING COMPETITION

My first time joining Singapore Idol. Didn't get in though!

SCUBA DIVING

Organised a scuba diving trip to Tioman, Malaysia again, but this time round it was much harder because there were a lot of hiccups going on, and there were more people going.

Took my ADVANCED SCUBA DIVER COURSE. We passed!

We saw plenty of fishes, including the ever curious batfish!

GARDEN OF HOPE

Did my project p6, with my main theme surrounding ex-convicts and giving them a second chance. Been taking photos with flowers mainly.

MY BIRTHDAY!

It was definitely one of the most memorable birthday celebrations ever! And I'm finally 20!

ATTACHMENT

It's pretty well-known that I hated the stuff that I did in my internship company. I grumbled, lamented and hated it. Perhaps the fault lies with me, I just cannot accept the fact that I need to wash the toilet (only one in the cohort), clean the corridor, go back home late, and ideas kept being rejected.

I complained to the school, and lecturers came with listening ears and motivational messages to come and look for me.

I know, the right mentality is to accept it and take it as a stepping stone but at that point of time, I wasn't adjusting well to the whole thing, and perhaps this whole thing is just my fault.

Sorry Fabian and Ken.

People have been telling me I've changed, probably based on clothes that I've been wearing lately. I pretty much admit that I've changed in terms of dressing, as I'm kinda influenced by british fashion.

Then, in the facial looks department, I'm considered a failure, so I figured out I need decent dressing to compensate, right?

But beneath the facade lies the same old James except slightly more materialistic;

Funny, witty, lame, self-righteous, opinionated and whatever adjectives you can use on me.

So I would end this post, and would like to wish everyone here a very happy 2010, and hope everyone stays healthy and safe!

Oh well..

2009-12-26T23:45:00.003+08:00

Does anyone knows anything about those bed bugs/bed fleas that can enlighten me? How do I stop these blood-sucking leechers?

Ah, and no my house isn't infested with these bugs. It's just that one of my relatives was infected, so she wants to know how to get rid of em.

On the other note, I've been addicted to the song Halo again, and I simply love the musical arrangement. It's really awesome!

And also, I haven't been singing much, and somehow I lost control of my upper register of my voice. Sigh, I better start practising.

Merry Christmas to all!

2009-12-23T23:52:00.005+08:00

2 weeks of holidays have started, and I'm working every single day, all the way till 4th of January. I've been working part-time since October, and it's been a really tiring road for me.

Studying on weekdays and working on weekends, these few months have been terrible for me.

For the sake of money, and due to my family's financial problems, I've got to work for my school work (printing) and other stuff.

Come to think of it, I've been feeling fiery-tempered inwardly and childish as well. Why do I blame the world for my problems? It doesn't owe me anything anyway.

Anyway, Shi Li, Eekeng and the gang went to Kyushu, Japan and finally came back with some stuff!

Colourful packaging..

Brought all the packaging stuff..

In this newsletter, they just simply put: The theme is WORK.

Isn't that too direct?

And I wanna thank sweet Eekeng for bringing me donuts from Japan! Ahh, and not forgetting Shirley, with those awesome sweets!

Big thank you!! Love yall..

Anyway, I had my photoshoot taken on that day in school as well, before rushing to work. Pretty good, I must say. Except that taking photographs while squatting never do fat people justice.

The set-up..

This is the nicest among all of them.

Sweating, and Mire-ene had to wipe it off for me and adjust my hairstyle again..

Pardon that thing. I'm just lazy to crop it off.

With Erika! She forbidded me to put this on Facebook, so I put it here hahaha!

Special thanks to my beloved Becky, who came specially to style my hair and came to take her photoshoot on the same day as well. Thanks love, I appreciate it!

Anyway, I can't believe that I'm working on Christmas Eve and Christmas as well. Celebrations for Christmas has always been boring and stagnant for the past few years. But this year was filled with so much joy!

First, I had my secondary school cliques playing some random games in which the loser team will wear the funny outfit (Lord knows what it is) and walk around Marina Barrage. That's gonna be so fun!

Secondly, I had my long-time friend Brendan, inviting me to come over to his house for some true blue Christmas dinner. Would love catching up with his family and have some great turkey and wine!

Thirdly, I had Shirley/Eekeng who invited me to Eekeng's house for Christmas countdown! With a buffet somemore!

Sigh, but I must say that despite having all the hype this year, I'm afraid I'm going to reject everyone because Imma probably staying at home after work.

Sorry friends, I have been neglecting most of you for the past few months, but I hope you guys understand because of some finanical problems in my family. All is going to end by end of this year.

And to all my family members, relatives, friends and acquaintances, see you all next year,

and have a WONDERFUL AND MEANINGFUL MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Some random pics.

2009-12-20T00:17:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we're so bored in the studio, and while cracking our heads for inspirations and creativity, we tend to show our narcissistic sides.

Wei Qi said I had a pervertic face.

Come on!

On cloud nine..

With Wei Qi's specs..

Life's simple pleasures.

2009-12-15T23:50:00.000+08:00

You know, I've always loved to talk to foreigners, because I haven't seen the world myself, and I always command a certain amount of respect for them because they came to Singapore to make a living, and this means perseverance and independence; the two important values which I've yet to learn.

And we know that there have been a massive influx of Chinese nationals from China coming in to Singapore. And some of them were my colleagues.

I've talked to them, and they have heard that Singapore is beautiful and vibrant country.

But one of them said; Singapore's society is moving extremely fast with its pace, so much so that we don't get to enjoy life's simple pleasures.

I can't agree more.

I mean, every single day we keep rushing to work and rushing to school, but did we ever stop by to appreciate the environment around us, the trees and the birds?

Every day to me is like a day spent doing work and more work. But I didn't find any or most of the days memorable.

We always say that life is unpredictable, and how we should live our lives to the fullest.

Now that's food for thought. Perhaps every day, we could take a little bit of our precious time appreciating something that's meaningful; be it your favourite pets, the river, or even potted plants.

Perhaps as urban people, doing this will make our lives more enriched, filled with zest and energy!

Hope we could find something interesting every day in our mundane life. :)

Could this be my break?

2009-12-10T18:16:00.004+08:00

Some people keep trying to do their best, to get their efforts recognised and rewarded but still cannot get their break. I am one of them.

Within a few months, I'm going to graduate with a diploma in Visual Communications, but when I look back from the future, I somehow wish I could get some recognition for my efforts.

My current and final project involves a Scuba Diving Magazine, and a range of advertorial materials and marketing collaterals. I had my presentation a few days ago, and it went pretty smoothly.

And this is the first time I had two of the strictest lecturers coming up to me and giving me some really nice compliments, and even my mentor complimented!

It gave me the strength to spur me to go on. It felt wonderful and I wondered: Could this final project be my break?

I went to Bras Basah to search for some old magazines that was water-sports related, and I found some gems there, despite the heat and sweat. Proceeded towards Prologue and Borders which I scrutinised every scuba diving magazine, and surfing ones which took me the whole day.

And this particular magazine which I found is fantastic:

In the end, I ended up buying magazines which totalled to $60! Bittersweet if you ask me, but for the sake of schoolwork, I decided to buy them..

And here's my Scuba Diving masthead/logotype!

Scubazine!

It's an equation of Scuba Diving + Magazine, so it's Scubazine! Cheesy I know, but the name is fantastic!

I have other plenty of ideas for my final project, but I'm just worried about the execution part.

And I sincerely hope that this will give me the recognition and reward I need.

I pray that this will be my break, and everything will pay off.

Mundane..

2009-12-06T20:53:00.002+08:00

I've been rather forgetful of late, and has been seeing things recently, but I figured out it was probably my imagination and my vision.

Air-conditioner in my parents' room kept switching on/off by itself for no apparent reason yesterday, plus the latest incidents of having a fiery mood, somehow something's controlling me. Maybe it's some paranormal activity or it's just emotions?

And I find it really really tiring to study on weekdays and work on weekends. It's taking a toll on me. Sigh, that's just life I guess. Whenever I look at those Christmas celebrations, or seeing people happily going out, I wished I was one of them.

Temptation. It takes a whole lot of discipline and willpower to overcome it.

Shut up please.

2009-12-04T23:42:00.002+08:00

It irritates me whenever people (especially my parents and relatives) tell me that my skin condition is severe, because..

I DON'T DRINK ENOUGH WATER, OR I ALWAYS SCRATCH MY FACE, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Seriously, stop blaming that I do this or do that which is the result of my face. I've tried DRINKING A LOT OF WATER.

Diet and habits can only help this much.

I'm already extremely pissed at the fact that my skin condition is getting worse by the day, and I simply have no money to even buy medicine.

Day by day, I see my face get more itchy, and red. CAN YOU IMAGINE THE HORROR OF LOOKING AT YOUR FACE EVERY SINGLE DAY?

WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?

Medical check-up.

2009-12-01T19:15:00.003+08:00

Nation called, and isoon it's time that I'll be serving the country during my National Service next year. Went for my medical check-up today, and the whole process was pretty smooth.

Unfortunately, it took me from 10am all the way till 5pm.

Pretty much an eye-opener, especially those X-Rays etc. But I was rather perturbed by the fact that I was labelled as "cute" by some of the talkative officers there while extracting my blood and look like the following:

The whole conversation started when they saw me and commented that I might be going for Physical Employment Standards (PES) BP, which means Obese Basic Military Training (BMT),
and further asking what was my weight.

Then all those "cute" thing started happening and I was rather uneasy.

And to be honest, I was really expecting myself to go to PES -BP, but guess what people!

My obesity is MILD.

And I AM IN PES - B!!

And that means I'm fit for most operational exercises!

WAHAHAHAHA I'm happy!!

20th Birthday Celebration at Seoul Garden!

2009-11-27T00:10:00.006+08:00

I know I'm kinda late for this one.. But I'll just post it up quickly!

Had Seoul Garden for dinner! To be honest, I'm not really a fan of Seoul Garden, because their variety of food is extremely limited, and the price is.. exorbitant. But this time round, their food surprised me, and I must say that their service were commendable.

And of course, not to mention the good hygiene.

Hungry...

Then after that..

A slice of cake from Secret Recipe!

And we all know their cakes are like fanastic!

Then it was photo-taking!!

Daphne!

Gabriel!!

YingYing!!

Koon!!

With Han Wen!!

With Liang Zhi..

With Khai Theng..

With Zi Cai!!

With Chu Xiang!!

Samantha!!

With Shi Li!

Smile!

Flying!

Group photo!

I know I'm long winded, but I wanna thank those who made the effort to came! Thanks for the presents. And it was a memorable and long night.

Thanks alot guys!!

Wait for me.

2009-11-22T11:44:00.001+08:00

I'll be back. And that's a promise.

20th birthday celebration at Cheesecake Cafe!!

2009-11-16T21:36:00.010+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, but I've been busy recently, especially schooling on weekdays, and working on weekends. Okay, maybe I'm just finding excuses for my laziness.

Gonna post about my 20th birthday celebrations, and it was one of the most memorable ones for the recent years..

For this post, it's dedicated to my polytechnic friends!

The gift that my friends give. And also some packets of chips which I love it! Thanks guys, I appreciate it!

We went to this place called Simpang which was located at some place off Tanah Merah. I've never been to that place before!

Cheryl and I on the way there!!

Tian Tian and I! Hehehe

Ice Milo was awesome!

Shirley!!

Johnathan!!

The food was pretty good, except for the fried rice! On our way back to the carpark

we tried to attempt a Top 10 Singapore Creative Directors poster sort of thing..

Blurr!!

Not bad, but must look more stern!

Future designers!!!

Next, we went to this place called The Cheesecake Cafe!

I tell you, it was the best cafe that I've ever went and the ambience was AWESOME! The whole decor was filled with those european Renaissance figurines and paintings.

I wasn't allowed to take pics for the decor, but here was one!

Fantastic ambience, unfortunately the theme didn't go well with this CD-cased concept of menu..

My buddies bought me this oreo cheesecake as my birthday cake, together with 2 topped up vanilla ice-cream and 2 bits of raspberries as boobs.

Fantastic cake, the taste wasn't overwhelming as those typical cheesecakes!

Fazal and Tyron!!

Becky, Cheryl and Tian Tian!

Then, someone had this crazy idea to play this particular game, and the loser will have to eat the remaining cheesecake bits.

It was super tense, and super funny as well!!

Cheryl had to eat the cheesecake off the back of my hand!!

Johnathan had to eat the cheesecake off my shoulder. IT WAS TRAUMATISING.

Johnathan lost again, and had to eat the cheesecake off Shirley's knee.

Next it was Edmond, and he had to lick the vanilla ice-cream off Tyron's arms!

Next, it was Shirley, eating the cheesecake off my shoulders.

It took quite a while for her to do it though.

3rd time loser Johnathan had to suck Becky's finger!!

I had to eat off the cheesecake off Adrian's nose.

It was Shirley again, and it was SO CLOSE to my lips!!

Adrian had to lick that cheesecake off Tyron's forehead!!

I had to eat off Cheryl's shoulders!

Edmond had to eat off 3 cheesecake bits from Zora's thighs!

AND FOR THE FIRST TIME, I WAS KISSED BY GUYS. It was traumatising, and I would like to indicate that we are ALL STRAIGHT. Why the losers wasn't girls? :( :(

Nevertheless, I had one hell of a fun and it was an awesome night. Really! And thanks for those who came, because I really appreciate it and are thankful for the things that you guys have done for me!

Becky, the little one!

Good buddies Yao Zhong and Fazal!!

Tyron!!! The dancing pro!!

Japan-fanatic Shirley!!

The ever sweet Cheryl!!

Beloved Tian Tian!!!

Adrian and Zora, the sweet couple!!

Ever so comical Eddie!

Johnathan!! Super nice friend who talks REALLY FAST.

Thanks to everyone who came, and big thank you for all the things you've all have done!

It was the one of the most memorable ones ever. THANKS!!

Turning Twenty.

2009-11-07T01:27:00.003+08:00

Because I had one of the best birthday celebrations in my life.

My path as a young adult, as I hit the magical 20 mark.

Happy Birthday to Rusydi and Joyce too!!

Happy Birthday YingYing!

2009-11-03T22:39:00.004+08:00

It's November, and there are quite a sizeable amount of friends who's born in this month. Just a quick and short post for Ying's celebration at Tian Tian steamboat.

I would like to wish Ying a very happy 20th birthday!

Influence my decision.

2009-10-31T11:16:00.005+08:00

Been really busy with school work recently, and I've been struggling to decide which company that I wanna do on..

I'm still in a dilemma on which company, so guys, do me a favour and tell me which of the following logos or their products do you like?

Is it the.... GP logo?

Is it... the Creative Logo and their products?

Or is it, the Underwater World Singapore??

Do give your comments.. Thanks!!

Obstacles after obstacles.

2009-10-30T19:24:00.004+08:00

As if family problems are not enough, Life decided to drop another bombshell:

MY MATERNAL GRANDMOTHER SUFFERED ANOTHER STROKE.

Why is it that obstacles and omens kept coming incessantly?

A family member who seem to be lost without a cause.

A matriarch who's struggling to support this family.

An incompetent family member that don't deserve much respect.

WALLS ARE TUMBLING DOWN, AND I'M LOSING MY STRENGTH.

HEAVEN, HAVE YOU HEARD MY PLEA?

Happy Birthday Jia Yi!

2009-10-28T19:46:00.004+08:00

Celebrated Jia Yi's 20th birthday yesterday, and it was a simple celebration in Kbox, because it was on a weekday, and most of us have school the next day. So here are some pictures:

Beautiful Germaine..

The cake was surprisingly good.

Jia Yia and Feng Wei..

Happy 20th Birthday Jia Yi, hope you enjoyed your celebration! And may all your 3 birthday wishes come true!

FRIENDS FOREVER!!!

Just a short update.

2009-10-22T22:17:00.003+08:00

School reopened, and I'm really glad to see everyone again. It feels really good to be in school.

Ah, I've been taking a break from all the exhaustive stuff that I'm doing. I'll blog about the diving trip soon.

If only you had a sense of urgency.

2009-10-19T20:18:00.002+08:00

It pisses me off that even as this point of time, whereby the start of your 'O' levels is this Thursday, you still didn't have a sense of urgency.

Whenever I'm at Macdonalds, I always see some of your classmates mugging hard for their 'O' levels. But you? Staying at home all day long, and I've never seen you revise before.

Is that what you wanted? Your 'N' levels was a fluke, and you think that history will repeat itself?

Talk about maturity: We have consistent money woes, but yet Mom spent $600 a month to hire this "Master's Degree" tutor to help you in your studies. The least thing you could do is to study hard right?

Life is not a fairytale, and you need to know that.

Off to diving..

2009-10-15T00:02:00.002+08:00

I'm going to Malaysia to dive again this time round, and unlike previous trips, I'm taking my Advanced Open Water Diver Course. Everyone has been telling me to be careful and such, and I'm going to the temple to pray for safety.

I do admit that this trip is more challenging (no, I'm not using the word dangerous) because of the electives that I'm taking such as Deep Diving, Night Diving, Navigation etc.. But still, I still treasure my life, and will take extra care for myself and my friends as well.

Had my refresher course 2 days ago, and everything went smoothly but I had a problem with my finning techniques. But I'm trying my best to rectify that.

So anyway guys, hope to see you all soon, and school reopens on Monday!

Gonna pack up, and get ready for the trip this weekend!

Save the Sharks!

2009-10-14T18:05:00.000+08:00

If you had been to town a few weeks ago, you could have seen ACRES's Save the Sharks campaign. ACRES, which stands for Animal Concerns Research and Education Society.

Many people, especially the Chinese are extremely fond of eating sharks fin soup. But little do we know that beneath that bowl of soup, lies in a grave situation where sharks are massacred.

In some parts of the world, the population of sharks have decreased as much as 90%. Due to the increasing demand of sharks fin, sharks are now greatly endangered. And these poor creatures die horribly: People capture them, slice off their fins, and throw them back into the sea, leaving the sharks to die slowly.

Over 100 million sharks are killed each year for their fins, and in Singapore, every Chinese wedding banquet that serves shark fin soup, the world loses another 40-50 sharks.

ACRES's Save the Sharks campaign was to create awareness for this problem. And the public was welcomed to donate $2 to their funds to smash a soup bowl to save the sharks.

And they decided to turn it into shark art!

The art isn't completed until the enough bowls are smashed.

Break the tradition!

Jeremy giving a smash!

So please guys, either eat pseudo sharks fin soup, or find other alternatives!

Save the Sharks!

Sin Wee's 21st Birthday Celebration!

2009-10-12T17:25:00.004+08:00

Celebrated Sin Wee's 21st birthday last weekend, and it was held at her own house. Unlike most people who usually hold em in chalets, I thought having it at your own house is rather heartwarming. Today's her actual birthday though.

Sin Wee's a friend that I known since secondary school, and now she's a chef assistant aspiring to be a great chef someday.

One of the things that I respect most about her is that she is the only friend I know that treasures her family a lot.

It's a nicely framed collage of her beloved photographs with her family.

The birthday cake!

Birthday girl!

She was giving a speech about how she loved her family and thanked people who came, while breaking down into tears.. Don't worry Sin Wee, all of us are here for you, and you've finally turned 21!!

Group photos!

Once again, A VERY BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU SIN WEE!

Jeremy's birthday and Mooncake Festival.

2009-10-11T14:40:00.007+08:00

It's been a while guys, but here I am back again! Celebrated Jeremy's birthday and the Mooncake Festival at Buangkok last weekend..

Giving him a surprise!

Happy 20th Birthday Jeremy! Hope you had fun!

We also played with traditional lanterns with candles, and I tell you, it's such a beautiful sight, because it's been a long time since I played with lanterns, and it brings back great memories as a kid.

Vibrant pink..

It was a wonderful night, and the only missing thing? Some mooncakes to complete the festival. But I've been gobbling so many mooncakes recently, I'm getting sick of it!

Our One Year Anniversary..

2009-10-04T22:02:00.002+08:00

It's been a year my dear, since we met in Cambodia.

I never expected myself to find someone as attractive as you when I was doing volunteering work.

I remember the days we were secretly looking at each other, and when we saw each other, we burst into laughter and smiles.

I miss your beautiful smile, because whenever I'm down and out, it made me feel better. You had the most sincere and beautiful smile I've ever seen. And that mesmerising set of eyes, they electrocute me even up till now.

You're one of the best things that ever happened to me, and I love you.

Happy One Year Anniversary my dear!

From Blossoms.

2009-09-29T00:55:00.003+08:00

I think this blog has been filled with so much depression and the mood has been really down. A schoolmate has died, and I've been going through a rough patch, and I'm sure some of you do too.

Here is a poem that I've written in order to cope with the things that has been happening recently. And I'm posting it here. Do give me your constructive comments!

From Blossoms.

Depressed and sad, as I sat down on the park bench.

Thoughts of the storms that I've endured,

Leaving me drained and drenched.

I know, Life is always full of ups and downs.

The hurdles and the struggles that I've been through,

They just came without a sound.

The sadness, which I wish I never had found.

Suddenly a purple flower landed on my right.

I took a close look, and it was a beautiful sight.

The vibrant colours, and the beautiful petals,

they seemed to be saying something to me,

asking me to stand up for my battle.

As I look up, and saw a tree.

There they were, beautiful flowers surrounding me.

Under the sun, they sparkle like stars.

Within my reach, so near yet so far.

I realise I could learn from the flowers.

The ability to shine, because I have the power.

I've gotten the message, I've gotten the dream.

The lights will no longer feel dim.

As my eyes start to swell,

My teardrops fell.

With the courage to be strong,

I know the road is still long.

Because they're beautiful blossoms,

the flowers look really awesome.

They bloom so right,

They bloom in light,

Let happiness and joy reunite.

No longer will I look downcast,

Because I'm built to last.

Oh yeah, because they're beautiful blossoms,

the flowers look really awesome.

They bloom so right,

They bloom in light,

Let happiness and joy reunite.

I smiled, and I laughed.

With sadness and depression gone in a puff.

I will remember that there is hope,

Because I cling upon the belief that I can cope..

-James

Rest in peace, Kim Wee.

2009-09-27T02:06:00.004+08:00

This came as a big shock as I saw my friend's MSN nick, because I've seen this guy around in my secondary school, and we're both acquaintances.

Kim Wee, on the right.

I feel I should dedicate a post for his untimely death at the age of 19 due to cancer (from what I've heard), and with a form of respect to the passing of a Vistarian.

His dedication to the National Police Cadet Corp (NPCC) and his love for Chelsea Football Club is admirable. I'm sure he's in a happier and better place.

To those who knows him and would like to pay their respects on his tagboard, please visit his blog:

http://www.kim-wee.blogspot.com

Goodbye Kim Wee, you will be remembered by the big family of Vistarians.

Show me the way of light.

2009-09-23T23:19:00.002+08:00

I've been living in the darkness for the past 4 months. And I've not been happy for a long time.

I couldn't deal with my personal struggles, because I allowed my emotions to take control of me:

1. Attachment troubles, and yet at the last day of my attachment, they successfully played me out on the celebration. Thanks for the constant mockery of me lodging a complaint to the school.

2. Acne breakout, and it was really bad. Stress from attachment is the major cause for it.

3. My beloved paternal grandmother had a cancerous tumour in her cervix. Low blood pressure, and we were so close of losing her. Had to rush off to the depressing hospital at midnight to see her because of her health. Thankfully, she managed to recover.

4. Financial struggles, with my mother being the matriarch and is sole breadwinner of the family.

5. Mom complains that one of her legs is getting weaker by the day. Went to see the doctor, and hope the medication helps.

6. Results came out today, and got a C+ for my studio project. Wasn't too happy about it.

It's been like that, and I've been trying to drown my troubled soul with music. It helped.

"I'm lost without a cause, after giving it my all.

And when melodies are gone, in you are I hear a song.

My levees are broken, my walls have come tumbling down on me.

The rain is falling. Defeat is calling.

I need you to set me free."

-Excerpts from Whitney Houston's I Look To You

Acne: Revenge Of The Fallen.

2009-09-22T01:11:00.001+08:00

I really cannot find a better title than the above one because it best represents the current situation, and I credit Transformers for the title. This post is just one that is really heartfelt, and I hope you guys understand where I'm coming from.

For the past few months, it has been evident that my acne is returning, since I've enjoyed clear skin for the past 2 years.

Oily skin is returning, and my pimples are flaring. I do believe that my stress for the past 3 months played an important role too.

Here's a recent condition of my skin..

These stupid pimples and scars just simply resemble the Pacific Ring of Fire. Volcanoes are flaring up, just like my pimples!

My decision to take Accutane again was met with resistance, especially from my dad. He firmly believes that youngsters like me should not take such powerful drugs because of the side effects.

For the benefit of people who doesn't know what's Accutane, I shall briefly explain what it is here.

It is the most powerful drug regarded for severe acne, and is often the last resort to treat it.

Women have to sign a detailed form if they're taking the drug, because it can cause severe birth defects in pregnancies.

And here are some of the many effects that can/will happen, depending on the individual:

Conjunctivitis (``pinkeye''), dry or fragile skin, dry or cracked lips, dry mouth, dry nose, itching, joint pains, nosebleed Bowel inflammation and pain, chest pain, decreased night vision, decreased tolerance to contact lenses, delay in wound healing, depression, fatigue, headache, nausea, peeling palms or soles, rash, skin infections, stomach and intestinal discomfort, sunburn-sensitive skin, thinning hair, urinary discomfort, vision problems, vomiting, suicidal tendencies, hearing impairment, erectile dysfunction, violent behaviour/aggression.

Some are severe, some are common and mild. To be honest, I was intimidated while typing these, but during my previous course of Accutane, the side effects I got were only joint pains, dry mouth and dry lips.

I asked myself, is this really necessary to put my body through all these in order to achieve better skin?

The answer is yes.

I'm a victim of media's portrayal of good-looking, and I've always aspire to lose weight because for that reason, but not because of health reasons.

It goes the same for clear skin as well. For the past few years, my equation has been:

Facial Scars = Disfigured.

I'm disfigured. And whenever I get breakouts, I refuse to look at myself in the mirror. And in photographs, I only do so if my scars and pimples are invisible to the eye due to overexposure of flash light.

Sometimes I've been wondering why I had such severe acne. I did attempt to take care of it. Benzoyl Peroxide, some stupid exfoliation by SilkPro, toner, antibiotics and random cleansers by clinics. NOTHING WORKED.

I've been living in self-denial, and my self-esteem and confidence has not been high either.

A person asked me: What if your future children comes out disfigured or with defects? Is it worth it?

Although she's ignorant about the facts of Accutane, which obviously does not affect my future children or whatsoever, I understand where she's coming from.

I would rather live in 40 years of clear skin and live a happy life, rather than living for 80 years yet filled with depression.

Moreover, I refuse to get into a worser state that happened in secondary school. The teasing, comments and insults continue to haunt me whenever I have breakouts.

So to my dad or those who doesn't understand, I hope this post clears up, because this drug can be a life-changing miracle for me, and I really don't want to have a moon-cratered face anymore.

www.wikipedia.org.

And while you're reading this, touch your face and be thankful for the good and better skin that you have.

Chermaine's birthday celebration!

2009-09-20T11:03:00.003+08:00

My family got an invitation from my aunt that her daughter Chermaine is holding a mini celebration for her 13th birthday at her place.

We went to her condominium, named The Calrose which is located around the Ang Mo Kio vicinity.

I love her condominium, because unlike those common high-rise ones, the condo's direction is more towards resort-style, and the ambience is relaxing and soothing.

The mini ponds, too bad there weren't any fishes.

We had barbeque below her house, than went up to her house for her celebration.

Fruity birthday cake!

Her wonderful family!

All the cousins!

Also, they had 3 dogs, and their dogs are simply fun to play with. I can't wait to get my hands on a husky when I'm older!

With this miniature dog, named Britney! Hahahaha!

Shall end this post, and I would like to wish Chermaine a very happy 13th birthday! Hope she had fun!

Food for thought.

2009-09-15T21:29:00.005+08:00

Last week, I had a huge scare when my paternal grandmother was admitted to the hospital, and I was shocked to learnt that she was suspected of having cancer, and were into the later stages.

Thankfully, she only had a tumour in her cervix, and will be removed surgically by the end of this week. I just never expected a healthy woman to suddenly get into such situations.

I've realised that I have been really been ignorant all these while to my family members and relatives.

Why must something happen to them before I realise and reminisce about the wonderful things they've done to me? Must all these happen before I start to be more caring to them?

I no longer confides in my mum, in fact no one in the family. Even up till now as I write this post, I never knew the reason. There's so many things that I keep to myself, boiling up like a dormant volcano; you'll never know when I'll explode.

It's just unhealthy, and only sometimes through this platform that I'm able to relieve some steam.

I'm thankful that I'm one of those who are able to identify flaws and admit them gracefully, and I'll work positively towards them, because I just want to be a better person.

Thank you all!

2009-09-10T23:20:00.002+08:00

Through this ordeal for the past 3 months, I realise there are many friends who care, and I thank them for that, and also people who bothered to make an effort to read and even comment on my posts.

And I've even got friends who said they were prepared to defend me and they're really awesome!

I just wanna say a big thank-you to all!

I won't continue on what happened in here as there were too much drama deemed inappropriate, but let's just say there was an unusual twist, or a reverse psychology to my mind.

I admit that I have a mentally-weak mind, and I'm always negative and unmotivated. Perhaps I took things way too seriously, and have a certain standard towards things which failed to meet my expectations.

I need to change all of that, but I must say that I still can't wait to leave attachment.

Thank you lecturers who cared and helped, because it really meant a big deal to me.

There's one week left, and I will be a stronger and a better man.

Thanks all, and this will be the last post about my attachment. Shall update again!

I'm leaving this space.

2009-09-02T23:47:00.004+08:00

"YOUR WORKS ARE SHIT. YOUR DESIGNS ARE SHIT. THINK OUT OF THE BOX. YOUR LAYOUTS CANNOT MAKE IT. WHAT, YOU COLOUR BLIND? YOUR LOGOS SUCK BIG TIME. YOU SHOULD QUIT DESIGN. GO BE A PROMOTER NEXT TIME........................................"

I'm sick and tired of these fucking insults every now and then. I kept on thinking of Chloe's cactus, my Liason officer's sms, Beck's motivation, Wei Qi, Tze Wei, Fazal and many others who helped me someway or another.

It seems that not even an ounce of confidence is left in me. I'm totally drained, and I can't wait to leave.

I'm leaving this blog space for some soul-searching and a breather from the tumultous period, and I'll return, once again when I'm feeling a lot better.

For now, I looked into the mirror. And I asked my battered soul, my depressed mind, and myself:

"Am I really that bad?"

Friend's celebration.

2009-09-01T20:36:00.002+08:00

Celebrated Liang Zhi's birthday last Saturday, and he realised that he shared the same birthday with the King of Pop, Michael Jackson. Such a coincidence! Went to Tampines for Din Tai Fung, but being on budget constraint, I managed to order food that's around $10 or less!

It was really great to see all of them, and some which I've haven't seen for a long time!

Pictures credit to Daphne!

Din Tai Fung's famous Xiao Long Baos.

It said that they have a minimum of 16-18 folds at the sides. Does it help to excite our taste buds?

After that, we went to this Bliss restaurant located at Punggol Park. Nice ambience and scenery on the outside, and it's a cool restaurant if you ask me.

Birthday boy and me..

We had to buy a cake last minute, because the previous one melted. It tasted pretty good!

Started to play around with poses. Made me think of Tian Tian, especially the one we took at Pizza Hut!

Samantha!

What's up?

Hello? I can't hear you!

Daphne and me..

Hey, High Five!

Random picture..

Ah yes, to end off this post filled with pictures, here's one group photo:

Happy Birthday Liang Zhi!

Scars will make us remember for life.

2009-08-26T23:54:00.005+08:00

I love how I can always connect to Corrinne May's songs someway or another, and I've wrote a few poems regarding my life in attachment and how I feel.

I like the photograph below, and I somehow can relate something to this girl's eyes, and her scarred face, well except mine is a moon-cratered one.

Many thanks to adritzz on Flickr for this shot.

To give you a peek about how I feel currently, here's the certain exerpts of the lyrics to Corrinne May's song, Scars.

I just want to ru

Just want to hide away

Close my eyes to your gaze.

Just want to leave

Don't want to hear them say

"You're no good at this"

When the world swirls with naysayers

Broken wings and torn pages

The road ahead

Drowning in my tears

Break me open

Tear me down

Into pieces

Broken crumbs

On the ground

You can mould and shape me

In your image

Breath your life

You know I need it

Scars make us stronger for life.

Losing myself

Gaining it back again

Forging strength from weakness

All that I am

All that I meant to be

Melting in your hand

Let the world swirl with naysayers

Pickled hearts and sour faces

What is real what I cannot see.

Scars might not make us stronger for life, but they will make us remember them for life.

Thinspiration.

2009-08-25T09:46:00.000+08:00

I suddenly have my short fuse desire to lose weight, and I've not been eating proper meals for dinner, but filling up with fruit juices, raw carrots etc. But when I ate dinner on weekends..

BOOM! I suffered the yo-yo effects of dieting. I gained nearly a kilogram on Monday. Perhaps it's time to excerise, but I'm finding excuses again.

Gotta go, and I shall master the courage and persevere!

Hungry Ghost Festival!

2009-08-20T20:44:00.002+08:00

It's the Hungry Ghosts Festival again, and for those who doesn't know what it is, it's actually a month's period whereby hungry ghosts from Hell roam around the Earth.

Don't be surprised if you see people burning incense and offerings to the dead.

I have a phobia of taking the lift and walking the corridor whenever I reach home late at night. Now that the Hungry Ghost Festival is here, my mom will advise me to not stay so late.

And some other rules that has to be followed according to traditions:

1. Don't look back if someone calls your name.
2. Don't step on burnt offerings.
3. No vulgarities.
4. Go home early.

And the list goes on.

And guess what, I'm left with 1 month for attachment, AND I'M COUNTING DOWN!

The Problem With Diving.

2009-08-17T09:43:00.003+08:00

My dad was trying to coax me not to go diving this coming October, as he thought it was dangerous, due to the recent news of Bali drownings. He further on talks about how dangerous diving is, and how he had rubbed shoulders with death when he was swimming in Desaru, Malaysia.

This topic has come up to me umpteen times, but I just want to address it one last time.

Call me stubborn, headstrong, or whatever but I personally think that nobody should stop me from going for my passion.

Sure, diving is dangerous. But I treasure my life, and I will be extra careful. And my dad, who attempts to coax me not to go, is not convincing me because he drinks and smokes. Both activities already had a toll on his body after over 20 years.

(Oh yes, he saw a project that I did in Year 1 whereby it was a perfume bottle concept and I constructed it to look like a coffin. (Polytechnic friends, Mr Ayob's balsa wood, remember?) Guess what? He said I left such things at home, that's why he had heart problems, yada yada and other nonsense. Then, he threw that model away. How ridiculous?)

Back to the topic, I just feel that he is not in a position to talk me out, but could rather care and show some concern, because he is doing stuff that is dangerous to himself as well. Plus, I have the mentality that if a person's time is up, his time is up.

Let's give an analogy. If you have been a safe driver, abiding to road safety and rules, and suddenly a drunk driver rams you right at the back of your car. You're killed.

Who do you blame? Your rotten luck that got you killed? Does that justify your death?

No matter what, let's just say that nobody can stop me from pursuing my passion.
(I can hear you adults say: Forget it, you will understand when you have children next time.)

Oh no, I just doesn't like the direction of where this post is heading. Shall stop here.

Celebrations!

2009-08-14T22:40:00.001+08:00

I've been going out intensively over the past few weeks, so Imma post some of the photographs, credit to Daphne, and Yingying for the photos.

At Kbox, celebrating Shi Li's birthday. Fun time with them! Shall update a few..

Love the balloons!

Have you guys watched UP? I did, and I thought it was pretty good, except for the whopping movie ticket of $13, because of the 3-D glasses. It felt uncomfortable, and uneasy but the show is solid. 4/5 stars for that man.

Went to the airport to welcome Daphne and Wei Qi back to Singapore from their diving trip to Bali. They've seen so many exotic sea creatures and I felt so intrigued. It's like fuelling your passion once again!

Glad they had lots of fun!

Happy Birthday Singapore!

2009-08-09T23:12:00.005+08:00

Happy 44th Birthday Singapore!

I wasn't really crazed over the celebrations for Singapore for the past few years, but this time round, my friends wanted to see fireworks so we went down to Marina Square.

Spectacular I must say, I think fireworks are one of the best inventions. The vibrant colours, and the strokes of the fireworks were beautiful. I was amazed as a child, and I'm still amazed even at this age, perhaps I thought of the wonderful things with such beautiful stuff.

When we walked back to the atrium of Marina Square, we were greeted with a roadshow of the previous National Day Parade (NDP) celebrations, and they were projecting the previous NDP songs.

Then, never did I expected I would be overwhelmed with so much emotions.

Filled with people. With most people in a sea of red and white.

They played the song "Home" which was sang by Kit Chan. Good reminiscence of the past, filled with nostalgia. But it was exceptional this time round.

People started singing the song.

"This is home, truly, where I know I must be

Where my dreams wait for me, where that river always flows

This is home, surely, as my senses tell me

This is where I won't be alone..."

Everyone in the atrium started singing the chorus. I was touched. I've never felt so much patriotism before, and I was so proud of being a Singaporean. It was definitely a beautiful sight to behold, looking at everyone singing together.

Ahh, what a great day. And I've finally recovered from my flu, experiencing chills and weakness in my body.

And I've had a new haircut, but my friends say it made my head look bigger. But I thought it was rather nice. Hmmmm..

Well, it shouldn't look like that. But never mind..

Work again..

2009-08-05T22:38:00.005+08:00

My liasion officer came like two days ago, brought 2 packs of chocolates (which helped). It was great looking at a familiar face.. It was rather an awkward conversation between him, my bosses and me..

He knows of my insane routine, and I love how he tell my boss

"Yeah, the students come here for BOOT CAMP."

Hohoho. They keep talking about having the attitude, and being it right. Somehow, I felt a little guilty, that I should have endured this thing and not give up half-way.

Yes, attitude cannot be instilled or inculcated, because it's entirely up to your own mindset. I've only got 6 weeks left, but I really can't wait to end this attachment, along the way probably getting some valuable experience.

But I WILL NEVER work in such an environment in the near future. Seriously, attitude is one thing, but when you never know what time you end work, you simply don't have a life.

I'm convinced about that, because it's impossible to meet up with friends, or even organise outings because it's so last minute. It's something like this:

Eddie: Want L4D today?
Me: Not sure, have to see what time I end work. I'll let you know if I'm going."
Eddie: Ok.

Bam, I finished work at 10pm.

Oh, my liasion officer asked me what have I learnt, I just tell him some of the typical stuff; techniques, layout etc. I wanted to say that this is the first time I've finally learnt how to wash the toilet.

Yes people, I don't know how to wash a toilet, I know I'm a lucky kid. But let's just say that initially I've never expected myself to wash toilets (not referring it as a degrading task) during my internship.

Oh well, just 6 more weeks. 6 more weeks!

I've got so many things that I want to do and I'm trying to find time.

I'll see how it goes, I'm hoping to finish recording a song by this weekend!

Thanks for the gifts..

2009-07-29T23:26:00.003+08:00

A very short post, to thank them for the gifts..

Thanks Shirley, for the wonderful bars.

Chloe too, thanks for the message!

I should be strong, but time after time I've been battered with insults and verbal abuses. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak.

I'm so inspired to write a poem, gotta work it out soon.

Botanical Gardens..

2009-07-26T20:51:00.003+08:00

Most of us, especially teenagers somehow cringe when there's a trip to unlikely places such as Singapore Zoo, or Botanical Gardens.

I am one of them who didn't really liked the idea of going to the Botanical Gardens, if not for my project a few months ago.

I had to take photographs of orchids, and along the way I took some intriguing photographs.

I personally find it a challenge, because I didn't have much experience in regards to photographing plants and flowers. I had some really weird and difficult angles which got my whole body aching.

But here are some of my favourite ones:

A road to a nursery?

Initially I didn't find this nice, but suddenly the angle and the vibrant colours simply made me put it here..

I think the sunlight added a nice touch to this one..

Took this underneath a big leaf when the sun was shining on it.

And last but not least, here's my fave photo:

I find it extremely nice because of the intricate details on the plant, and the sunlight that shone specially on this plant. Not the best, but my favourite among all of them..

Well hope you enjoy them!

James Ho Locksmith?

2009-07-21T23:27:00.002+08:00

Spotted this shop at Peace Centre with my friends like few weeks ago.

It's not opened by me, or any of my relatives!

Oh yes, I have to talk about this incident which happened on the train last weekend. I was in the jam-packed train in North-East Line, and I was standing at a corner, feeding music to my ears.

As I was listening, the train braked at one particular stop. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED?

THIS LITTLE GIRL GRABBED MY FATS. Can you imagine the scenario?

She probably was finding something to grab, held on to my shirt, but perhaps my shirt was too tight, (QUIT FANTASISING PEOPLE.) and she grabbed to my fats.

The whole moment was so awkward, and she felt for a good old 10 seconds.

WHEN DID I BECAME A POLE?! But still, I'm glad that I saved that poor girl's life from falling down!

Starting to see the day.

2009-07-21T00:03:00.003+08:00

Thanks for all the concern, because after enduring a tough weekend; I can't believe I ended work at 11.15pm on Friday and worked on Saturday as well.

I've decided to look on the positive side, and persevere. Thanks to everyone who commented, and encouraged me.

And that of course, includes my liasion officer cum mentor, Mr Ransome Chua. The sms and the call really hit me hard, and I thank him for that.

I've got 8 weeks left, and I shall look forward to it, and learn to love the attachment.

Here are some excerpts from the sms:

Losers are the quitters, winners come about because they never quit, but pick themselves up when they fall time after time. Don't run away from your fears, because fear always has a way of overtaking you and starting you in the face.

Face up to it, do your best and kill that fear; for that is the only way to vanquish it. And in the end you will stand tall because you know you can do it.

That hit me hard. REAL HARD. It was one of the most powerful thoughts I've ever read, and it left a deep impact on me.

So yep, I'll not rant and try to be positive. Always.

Thanks all and I love each and single one of you.

Can I be happy at work?

2009-07-16T22:41:00.002+08:00

Sorry for the lack of updates, because most of the time I'm back home rather late and is rather too tired to pen down my thoughts.. But still, I thank you for coming back to check again. Somehow, there'll be alot of texts..

I'm penning my thoughts down, and whether it is a rant or a complaint that will affect me, I don't really care anymore.

I've never felt so indignant, sad and depressed for a long while. I want to love my work. I really do. But why do I find so much sadness in this attachment?

Is it because I didn't get what I wanted? I've complained before that I have to OT everyday. Initially I thought it was fault, because I couldn't do things properly and quick.

My boss told me before: "Actually I don't encourage interns to OT."

Few days later he asked:

"What time did you finish work yesterday?"
"8.30pm."
"So early?"

Probably in a joking manner but I wasn't amused.

Because I will NEVER be let off at 6.30pm, it's very difficult to meet up with fellow friends on weekdays. They get released on the dot, maybe slightly while more. And they still had to wait for me and called to ask because I can never give a definite timing.

I tried to work things as fast as I could, so that I can be let off by 6.30pm.

But it was not meant to be. Take today for example, I was summoned at 4pm to crop this group of peoples' photographs, and compile every single one of them into this template. 2 hours deadline.

The techniques were easy. But guess how many photographs do I have to crop? MORE THAN 400!!!

Of course I overshot, and 1 of my boss decided to let me off early, seeing that I was sick today. 8.15pm that is.

Then suddenly, another boss wanted to check my sketches:

"Hey James, are you meeting with anyone?"
"No.." (Who am I to reject right?)
"Ok lets discuss."

I was pissed, and so tired. And the whole thing ended at 9.30pm today. I was so disappointed today, because he said something like: "finish ur diploma and go do other stuff that you like."

I somehow interpreted that he had given up hope on me or something like that. That made me felt sad.

And to add on to my fury, I was told that I might need to come back to do work for this coming weekend.

I SERIOUSLY CANNOT TAKE IT. It's like you have OT for the past few weeks and yet you might still need to come back this coming weekend?

I need to stop here. My mood is worsening after each sentence.

FRIENDS, DON'T CONTACT ME TO GO OUT ON WEEKDAYS ANYMORE. I DON'T HAVE A LIFE.

My mundane life..

2009-07-10T20:57:00.004+08:00

Thanks for those who cared, I really appreciates it. Things has started to get better, though I still have to OT all the way. Met up with my polytechnic friends and we talked about our internship life. And it's great to meet up with them. Tian Tian I miss you too!

I think it's about time I pick myself up, have the confidence that I once had and start afresh. I've been rusty and behind the scenes lately.

I was looking at my previous photographs, but I had a good laugh at this one.

CHLOE AND ME KISSED.

WHAT IF MY GIRLFRIEND GETS ANGRY?! Damn!

Ok, not past tense, because we never really did. Year 2 memories, and it's how interesting time flies.

And to Clarence, Derrick and Clement, all the best for your National Service!

I dread design.

2009-07-06T23:26:00.006+08:00

First week of attachment has passed, and I'm already 70% sure that I'm not going to do design anymore. Plus now I'm in such a foul mood, thanks the flu that I had today which really brought my mood down. So if you excuse me, allow me to rant here.

I've just only finished the first week, and I've never felt that kind of stress of a long time. It's fine that I do some menial jobs, but I've been doing projects that I'm unfamiliar or very poor at.

I've got projects in hand and I've never dread development so much before. Stuff such as finishing the final artwork concept every day continuously or even doing 5 concepts before lunchtime prove to be an impossible task for a mediocre junior designer like me.

Someone kill me please. I've been working overtime and has never finish at 6.30pm on time before. And don't tell me that doing unfamiliar stuff or things that I'm very poor at will help me to improve.

Think about it, when you pray to God, you will pray that everything will go on smoothly and hope there will not be obstacles for you.

You don't go: "Oh lord, please let something happen to me so I can become a better person."

If you are a person who dashes across the red traffic light often, you will NEVER think that one day you will get knocked down by a car and learn a lesson from it.

Friends that are on internship are never as worse as me, as far as I know. I'm not trying to pinpoint, but I'm disappointed that I wasn't exactly into publication.

My bosses and colleague are nice people, but not the work. And I hope that things will get better as I endure my 12 weeks of gruel internship.

PETA, you're a pile of bullshit.

2009-07-02T13:18:00.003+08:00

PETA stands for People for the Ethnical Treatment of Animals. It's how nice to hear that they don't support animal testing, fur farming etc, and how passionate they feel about animal rights and fight for these animals. Most or all of PETA members are vegetarians.

I myself support some of the stuff, including whale killing etc. But sometimes they can be really ludicrous and how far their thinking is.

Here's what happened:

President Obama was in a television interview, and he smacked a house fly in the middle of the interview when the fly keep persistently interrupting him in the interview. The fly died.

Now, PETA is calling it an "execution" and wants President Obama to show more compassion to even "the least sympathetic animals."

PETA continued further: He isn't the Buddha, he's a human being, and human beings have a long way to go before they think before they act.

And PETA gave Obama a device to trap flies so that they can be released outside.

You can watch the video of the interview here:

PETA, what is your problem with a fly dying? Some flies can be of great danger to human beings because they can transmit diseases, or worst still, eat your flesh.

Do you just stand there and let the fly consume you or whatsoever? Or will you defend yourself by killing it?

Sure, you can say that you're referring to harmless flies, and we should show compassion to them. But think about it. Isn't it a natural instinct for people to smack a fly when it is irritating him/her? And how you can even link the incident to the Buddha. It's god damn hilarious, PETA.

You guys puts adoptive animals to sleep (equates to killing as well) and yet you made a big fuss of President Obama killing a fly. It's time to get real, PETA.

I used to have respect for you, but this incidence made me lost most of it, if not all. I feel very strongly about certain topics when my bullshit detector went off. And this is one of them.

And you, PETA is a pile of shit, and cares about such mundane stuff. Why? Because flies love to stick around shit.

This is best I feel what summaries PETA:

"I'm all for animal rights, but PETA is unbelievable."

Some current stuff..

2009-06-29T22:23:00.004+08:00

First and foremost, I wanna say a BIG THANK-YOU to Tzewei, for helping me today and getting my way through the office.

I've got a nice colleague and 2 seemingly nice bosses, but I had to sign a contract due to the nature of the work that Im going to do, and it is so highly confidential that Im not allowed to post any of the related stuff at all!

And I'm working from 9.30am to around 7-8pm everyday... I don't mind doing menial jobs, but I just didn't like the idea of having OT.. And I'm not doing much of publications as well. Yes, I'm complaining, not that I should, but oh well..

I somehow dread the first day of work, and as far as I'm concerned, I think the next 3 months will be a little bit of heaven, but a whole lot of hell. Let's just hope I don't hate design.

That aside, I've watched Transformers 2 with my good friends, which I've haven't seen for few weeks? I had great fun that night.

I'll give a rating for 3.5/5 for Transformers 2 this time round, and I must say that it is pretty good, but the storyline wasn't that strong.

Ahh, and it's also Mir-ene's 21st birthday! She's damn cute and sweet!

She's really drunk!

I adore this class!

Okay, gotta turn in for now! Im tired!

Let's pay a tribute.

2009-06-26T10:49:00.004+08:00

I will be having my attachment next week, and I'm not really looking forward to it.. Ahhh, and it lasts for 9 weeks. Let's just hope that they have more publication projects, which my interest currently lies in.

And.. Im supposed to blog about happy stuff.. but today, one of the greatest legends in the world has died.

His name is Michael Jackson.

I'm not really a true blue fan of his, but I loved some of his songs such as "Earth Song" and "Heal the World". He writes beautiful songs, and of course his magnificent dancing as well.

Apparently, he died of a heart attack in a rented apartment..

Regardless of the scandals that happened to him or whatsoever, let's give credit and respect to the King of Pop, and let's pay a tribute to him.

Rest in peace, Michael Jackson.

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2009-06-22T10:15:00.001+08:00

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Battered and Beaten.

2009-06-16T00:26:00.002+08:00

Somehow, depression sets in again for me. I just don't know why. Losing confidence in everything I do, doing for the sake of doing.

Suddenly, I just felt there were too many responsibilities that I couldn't ignore, and I felt so overwhelmed. It's been a while since I really sat down and think.

I sometimes think I'm a lunatic. I sometimes even think what is it like to have a terminal disease.

And recently, I've been frequently trying to induce cough to get a kick out of it.

I have great friends, wonderful family and a good and positive future. But yet sometimes I think Im better off dead.

Don't take this post that seriously though, perhaps Im just talking nonsense.

Led by my nose.

2009-06-11T19:30:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I simply do design work just do please my lecturers, having no opinions for my work at all. Now, I'm so stressed and desperately need a breather.

Busy till next week. Will blog when I have the time.

The Singapore Idol Experience.

2009-06-09T00:29:00.001+08:00

If you ask me how's the experience like for Singapore Idol, the first thing that comes to my mind, is the hot and humid weather that roasted the contestants.

I queued up with my fellow friend, Donavan at around 7.30am on Saturday. It's been a long time since I've suffered such weather, and we queued all the way till 5.30pm, only to be able to register for the auditions, which happened on the next day.

If you had read the papers, there are over 4000 people who signed up.. In order to create effects for the show, here's a peek for you:

They called some contestants to get high with Gurmit Singh.

It's like: This is Gurmit Singh and...

Contestants: WELCOME TO SINGAPORE IDOL!

You don't see people wearing ridiculous outfits and costumes that will make them a fool of themselves. 99% of them wear smart casual outfits.

Of course, there are the irritating ones who cut queues, and those punk rocker wannabes have their nails painted black, and had tattoos all over. (Paul Twohill wannabe as well?)

When you're queueing up for like 18-20 hours in total, you will start to talk with people around you and you'll be surprised how nice they are. The new friends I've made have joined local singing competitions such as Anugerah and Campus Superstar. And they made it till the next few rounds.

Don, Farhan and I..

Farhan sang Fly Me To The Moon..

The middle one is his girlfriend..

Another friend is Hillary, who's the one in the middle.

Comical and nice girl, she's only 16 and has big dreams!

So ya.. all of us had our auditions on Sunday.. and we met up first before queueing up.

This is my registration number..

4D punters can go buy this number.. 2296! Hehehehe!

Our seats before going up to the waiting room.

In the waiting room were the contestants, and we get to hear them sing because they're rehearsing. I tell you, most of them knows how to sing, while some have fantastic voices. And well, some can't really sing.

AUDITION EXPERIENCE

Finally when it was my turn for the audition, I walked up one of the cinemas (they held auditions in the cinemas they rented) and turned right.

On my right were two motionless-looking producers, and 2-3 super bright spotlights shining down at me, with a huge camera smack right at the middle to film me.

And then, after telling them my registration number, and telling them the song which I was going to sing (Mad World, Gary Jules) and started singing.

The atmosphere was tense, and it was extremely silent. Then, I started singing. My heart was beating extremely fast, and every time I take a breath to continue the next sentence, I felt even more difficult to breathe.

But my notes hit the right tune, the tempo was right and everything seems to go well and smooth. Suddenly, I was asked to stop singing. It has only reach like the 4th or 5th sentence of the lyrics, and it wasn't even at the chorus yet.

The whole audition lasted barely a minute and I asked to leave. There wasn't any comments about my singing or whatsoever.

Then, we had to go to the results room, where they named all our registration numbers, and said we didn't make it and thank us for the participation.

At that point, I personally felt neutral. Not even a tinge of sadness or happiness. I took rejection easily.

I've always felt that a good singer is a good storyteller. A singer does not need to have the powerful vocals of Beyonce, Mariah Carey, or even Whitney Houston. But what the singer needs is to be able to emote and relate to the songs, so that the audience can connect and listen to them.

People ask if I'm going to join more competitions next time. My answer is 50:50.

Once again, I'm really touched and blessed at all the support you guys have given.

I will be recording more songs, and will continue to soar.

Because I will continue to sing.

2009-06-07T19:30:00.002+08:00

I suddenly see a surge of viewership in my blog, probably to see what my results were? Ahh, enough of beating around the bush, but I didn't make it.

The judges were the producers of the show, and I guess my song didn't sit well with them. This weekend had been really hectic and tired.

Despite my exit, I came to realise the value of friendship, because my friends gave support and encouragement. Dozens of messages, and I felt really touched.

Of course, every single concerned one gave me consolations and some were rather hilarious. But I have to say, I wasn't the least bit disappointed or sad. I should say neutral.

You see, I went into the audition room with only 2 producers and 1 or 2 cameramen, and me singing alone. I felt really nervous. I found it difficult to breathe.

But I must say that my vocals didn't fail me. I hit the right tune with the correct beat, so Im rather happy. I mean, if I went to that audition, and I suddenly went out of tune, or something that went horribly wrong, than I will be really disappointed and sad. Thankfully, it's not the case.

I can imagine some people laughing or smirking at my exit right now, but I think I don't really care. I'll blog about the whole process and experience soon.

Right now, here's a quote that I found interesting in the movie, Fame:

In this world, it's not about how big you can make it. It's how far you can take it.

I did my best, and my exit does not act as a deterrent for me not to sing. I will continue to sing, and continue to shine.

One of the most nerve-wrecking moments of my life.

2009-05-29T15:40:00.004+08:00

Ahh, this Saturday will prove to be one of the most nerve-wrecking moments of my life. Yeah that's right. I'm joining the national's singing competition, Singapore Idol.

I've been preserving my voice for the past week, and singing everyday. A lot of people have asked me before why didn't I join this competition or that, well I didn't have the courage to do so.

But now, I have the courage, mainly because of the encouragement that Mr Vin (A lecturer) has given me, which was filled with such sincerity. Also, the peoples' comments made in my Youtube page..

Also, I just wanna see how far I can go and how I can improve..

Hopefully, people will give me their support regardless of the results, and not laugh at my exit..

Wish me luck..

Second chance..

2009-05-29T15:40:00.003+08:00

Currently listening to Corrinne May's Love Song for the #1, which is my favourite song in her albums. I somehow has the urge to write a poem regarding ex-convicts, well probably because my current project involves them.

Looking back at the days when I committed crimes,

I felt naive, stupid and foolish.

But now, repentance and acceptance is all I wish to find.

I walked out, after seven years in jail.

Bright sky, fresh air but no family in sight.

I asked myself ; Am I destined to fail,

when no relatives were there to invite?

I suffered and have been duly punished.

Why can't I have a second chance?

Didn't I had enough anguish,

that sticked with me for months?

I've turned over a new leaf.

But how did the society perceived me?

An ex-convict with a stigma.

Is that how I got my karma?

I wish I had a second chance...

-James

My favourite photographs.

2009-05-26T19:50:00.009+08:00

I'm not known as a photographer to any of my friends or relatives. Photography is part of my life, though I never stated it as one of my interests until now. Ever since I got hold of my own camera, I've been taking photographs as and when I like, and I do like to consider myself an amateur photographer.

To me, a good photograph means you can emote and connect to it, as if you're at that very moment.

Here, I will show you some of my favourite photographs I've taken over the past few years, and some involves school work, while some are taken with personal interests. Do comment!

Note: Pardon me for the inconsistencies of watermarks in the photographs!

All photographs are taken using the Fujifilm F50fd.

ANIMALS AND INSECTS

Title: The Solemn Monkey

Location: Singapore Zoological Gardens

Title: Motherly Love

Location: Puok, Cambodia

Title: Smitten Love

Location: Nanyang Polytechnic

NATURE AND PLACES

Title: Thorns with a Prick

Location: Southern Ridges, Singapore

Title: Light of the Darkness

Location: Southern Ridges, Singapore

Title: The Street of Serenity

Location: Puok, Cambodia

Title: Boys

Location: Puok, Cambodia

Title: The Slingshot Girl

Location: Puok, Cambodia

I don't know about you guys, but the last photograph, The Slingshot Girl was my favourite among these. Her solmen expression emotes very well in my opinion.

Well, do comment after seeing these photographs!

May Babies!

2009-05-24T20:24:00.002+08:00

I don't know why, but suddenly there are many friends are born in the month of May. I've attended more than 6 birthday celebrations. Still, Happy Birthday buddies! Will post up pictures soon..

Life is still rather stagnant, and I've been neglecting this blog for a while, which probably explains the decreasing traffic of this blog. Sorry people, this blog no longer proves to be much of an entertainment.

School is still boring, 9am to 5.30pm almost everyday, and school work is starting to pile up as weeks go by. I've submitted two entries for the Crowbar award and hopefully I can get shortlisted..

I sometimes feel that Im not a good friend, but yet I always seem to see the true light of friendship. Thanks guys. I really appreciates it.

Will be back, and Im going to share some of my fave photography here.

Curtains' finally closing.

2009-05-19T11:01:00.000+08:00

Have you ever felt that the world is coming to an end?

The flowers are withering.

The trees are burning

Women and children are crying.

Everyone are dying.

Suddenly, the happenings around the world is just like a show.

A show full of fears.

Performers flowed with tears,

Knowing that the ending is near.

And finally, the performance is ending.

Curtains' finally closing.

And every single one of us, dying.